i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
