The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Apparently you make a good broom.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
