She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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