Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
