I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
