she woke up with a sticky ear
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
