she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My cat gives me a boner
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
