Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He passed out mid-signature
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
