Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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