Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
