We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
