from now on my penis is your penis
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
