"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
