I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
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Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
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He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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