i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
