Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
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No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
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I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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