If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
