Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
one might say we're banned from that church
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
