Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize