Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
