ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We left the knife in your bed.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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