i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
