I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
