yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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