she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Drake has all the answers
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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