He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
