Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
