i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
