I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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