make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
