we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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