she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
