That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
