Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
