wrigley field is MILF paradise
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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