You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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