she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My ATM looks so different sober.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
