So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
