I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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