the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
