that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
