someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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