there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
