this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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