your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
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Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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