I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
