So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
