We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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