I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
