HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
