could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
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You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
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he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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