That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
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Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
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So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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