She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
