If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize