dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
