Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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