Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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