is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
