I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
