I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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